Coach Mom

When you think of a coach, what comes to mind? A middle aged PE teacher with a red cap and a whistle? A nicely dressed woman who coaches how to “go through life?” Or maybe a really nice handbag with matching wallet?

Recently the first thing that comes to my mind are images of sitting in my son’s room and speaking quietly about his emotions.

Emotion coaching. It’s one of the newer hats I have started to wear as a mother. It’s probably my favorite hat.

I started emotion coaching as a way to nurture my non-verbal son. We talked about how he was feeling so he could learn new ways to express himself. We used laminated emoji faces, Disney movies and our own emotions to figure out how he was feeling. It was the best journey we’ve started as a family.

It’s easy to forget that toddlers are little tiny people with complex emotions that they are just barely beginning to understand they even have. Imagine going through life with the volume turned to 11 and everything is moving in a blur and you don’t know the language? Of course your emotions are going to be intense.

But we as parents have a responsibility to help them understand what they’re going through. Taking the time to quietly reassure them that what they are feeling is normal, and even putting a name to the emotion, is going to do wonders for their self esteem and their relationship with you.

Dr. John Gottman has researched emotion coaching for year and has come up with the basic 5 steps of emotion coaching:

• Be aware of your child’s emotion
• Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
• Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
• Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
• Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately

It might seem a little daunting at first, and practice is to be had on both the parent’s and the child’s end, but it’s truly worth it.

My son has overcome his communication issues and we talk all the time now. I am so surprised at how well he knows what he is feeling. We still discuss deeper and new emotions and I try to share what I am feeling with him too (age appropriate of course, there’s no use in stressing your children out with your stresses.)

It has brought another dimension in our relationship and I hope this sets a foundation for years of thoughtful and trusting conversations.

You can find more information about Gottman’s emotion coaching here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

 

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Lisitsa, E. (2018, August 15). An Introduction to Emotion Coaching. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

The Iron Rod?

Today my son walked out of the kitchen backwards. I knew something was up. I asked him “what do you have?”

“Nothing.”

Suspicious.

So I said, “Hey, I know you have something behind your back. I want to see what it is. Will you show me?”

Reluctantly my sweet three year old came up to me and held out an attachment to a broken food processor that I don’t have anymore. On one hand, I don’t really care if he played with it. On the other, he had lied to me. I had a decision to make. Do I spare the rod and spoil the child? Or do I use the rod to make sure he knew better?

It’s a question parents face everyday. Honestly I probably have to make that choice at least 5 to 100 times every hour. Dr. Haim G. Ginott put’s it very well: “How can parents create a climate of trust? By the way they respond to unpleasant truths.”

Simply, I want my son to trust me. Lying doesn’t show great confidence in me as the mother, but I had an opportunity to grow that trust. I said, “Hey that’s a neat thing. I don’t like that you lied to me, but it was my mistake for not shutting the cupboard. It’s always better to ask me if you can play with something.”

He nodded and then smiled. “Mommy, can I play with it?”

Ah, he’s a smart one.

I told him “you can play with it. Thank you for asking me. I expect you to ask me first next time.”

In that little exchange, I told him what he did wrong, but I also admitted what I did wrong. I told him what I expected of him and told him that I appreciated him. I was able to have a nice experience and we both left happy. His trust in me had grown.

He then promptly walked out of the kitchen again with a lime squeezer and proudly said “mommy, can I play with this too?”

I got up and shut the cupboard. I guess we both learned something right?

The best answer to the rod is to use the Iron Rod. Love our children as God would love them. Help them feel safe talking to you. Be firm, but kind, steadfast, but gentle. We could do a lot from learning how the Savior taught and corrected. Every opportunity is one for growth for both the parent and the child.

 

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Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. New York: Random House.

Love Yourself to Love Them

One of the biggest things parents face is burnout.

If you’re a parent, you probably understand. If you aren’t a parent and plan on being one someday, then you’ll get there.

My son had colic. He was the cutest little thing with an adorable little button nose. He had these beautiful eyelashes that I would stare at for hours while I held him. I had to hold him for hours because if I didn’t he would scream. Every night around 5pm he would wind up for three or four hours of screaming. It was a lot to handle while I was in school and my husband worked swing shift. I definitely felt the burnout.

Now I have two children and I am in my last semester of school. I have more tools in my belt to keep myself afloat but some days I feed them pb&js for dinner and sing them half a song before I shut the door and turn out the lights. The burnout is still real.

Elder Marion G. Romney once said: “How can we give if there is nothing there?”

We have to have energy, love, and strength to be able to be the best parents we can be. We need to be able to take time for ourselves and fill up on our own needs to be able to pour it back into our family. I am a much better mother when I have taken the time to take care of myself first.

Now this doesn’t mean leaving your children in dirty diapers so you can get your hair done. But it does mean prioritizing time to take a shower each day, and have one on one time with your spouse, before making three dozen cookies for your children’s soccer game on Friday.

One of the best things I have ever done for myself is starting therapy. For years I languished in emotional trauma and suffered from PTSD induced anxiety and depression. I didn’t even know that’s what was making me so miserable until I decided I wanted a change. I noticed how unfair it was to my children to be such a half baked mom. I didn’t have the energy to get up and play with them. I would cry when thinking about planning out lunches for the week. It was hard to be a good mom, because I didn’t feel good myself.

It’s so important to love yourself, to treat yourself as the Lord would treat you, and get the help, or rest, or “me” time you need.

If you feel like you’re in desperate need for some rest but not sure where to get it here is a great resource to find some inspiration to fill your empty tank.

https://www.peps.org/ParentResources/by-topic/self-care/self-care-for-parents

As we seek to take care of our families, don’t let your own needs go by the wayside. I promise that you will be able to be the best parent you can be as you strive feel like the best you can be.

 

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Romney, M. G. (1982, October). The Celestial Nature of Self-reliance. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1982/10/the-celestial-nature-of-self-reliance?lang=eng

Guidelines 10 and 11

Thinking about the 10th guideline, about if my media messages are well designed and meaningful, and about the 11th guideline that discusses what we put out there, I looked at my own social media platforms. I try hard to make my photos, posts, profile pictures and cover photos aesthetically pleasing and present who I am in a way I want people to see me. I think about how people like my friends and family will view my content, although I need to be more aware of how future employers, strangers, etc., would view me as well. When I post images and words I try to design them well so that they are interesting and useful to other people, and present my content in a way that other people would care to see.

Manifested Effects

As a freelance designer, I am always marketing myself on social media. I am also a producer of media. With my audience in mind, I am constantly designing and producing media to create a reaction. With marketing, and specifically for this example Instagram, I create posts that will get likes and eventually lead to clients. My posts are carefully created through the use of very specific photos and captions to convey an emotion that will engage those who view my profile. This is how I get new followers, old followers to continue to interact with me and to turn these social interactions into business.

Polarizing Effects

Twitter is a platform meant for sharing. Just small tidbits of people’s lives, political stances, religious views, thoughts on the universe in general, etc. This last week I’ve been hearing a lot about this tweet by the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. To me, someone who is a member of the Church, I find it encouraging and I love hearing from the president. Some do not feel the same way as I do. I have had friends who are members say it feels a little commercial, more of like a slogan at the end of a sales pitch. It’s interesting to see how one well meaning tweet can create turmoil, even among the target audience.

Meaning Construction Decisions

Today I was on Facebook and I saw this video about a teacher who chooses to grade her students’ papers with memes. I thought it was interesting, so I watched the video, and then wondering what other people thought I looked at the comments. There were so many varying opinions from this little video on Facebook. Many people liked it and thought it was positive and uplifting, while others thought that it was silly and useless. I thought about the reading in the book about how people can come to different conclusions with the same message. It happens all the time on Facebook. An unbiased, informative video becomes a war zone in the comments because people have formed their own opinions on the content. Everyone has their own experiences that help shape their ideas and beliefs, but it is never more apparent than in the comment section on social media.

Pinterest Ads

Pinterest is one of the free apps I use regularly. When I first started using Pinterest, there weren’t many ads. Now in 2018, about a quarter of my feed is targeted ads. It’s helped with the growth of the social media platform, but as a consumer I feel it is still subtle and non-intrusive. I have been searching a lot for snacks for my toddler, and I get suggested pins on my feed that go along with what I have been searching but then I get sponsored pins as well that usually go along with the other pins. I’ve even pinned a few sponsored ads because they relate to me well. I think Pinterest’s ad model works really well for the platform and has helped to increase it’s traffic, rather than deter people from using it. It’s success in integrating it’s ads helps me feel like a media net winner when I use it.

News Agencies

I haven’t watched a news broadcast since I was in high school and I haven’t read a newspaper more than 10 times in my life. My generation does not get their news the same way our grandparents or even our parents did and do. I follow East Idaho News.com on Facebook to get all of my local news and I get a lot of my big headlines from various news agencies on Snapchat and Facebook. This is a clear way that news agencies have adapted to the rise of social media. I don’t have a cable subscription and I don’t even use the digital rabbit ears to get broadcast television, so big news agencies have moved to new mediums to stay relevant and reach their target audiences.

Social Media Fasting

This last weekend the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke to the women of the Church. President Russell M. Nelson asked the women the same thing he asked of the youth of the Church earlier this year, which was to take a break from social media. He asked for the women to take a 10 day social media fast. But what caught my attention was that he said “Pray to know which influences to remove during your fast.” He didn’t simply say take a break from Facebook and Instagram, he left it up to the sisters to find what they needed to work on. I find this interesting because I think the Lord understands that we need some media in our lives and to take ourselves completely out of the digital world might be hard for many women who have careers in the technical field.

Thinking about my use of media this week, I find that I spend a lot of wasteful time on Facebook, but I use Snapchat as a way to regularly communicate with my friends. There are several different social platforms that I have completely cut out of my life because it brought negativity to my life and I never felt uplifted after browsing or interacting with others. I think these were what President Nelson was mostly referring to. There are good uses for the media, such as connecting with loved ones and sharing ideas that can strengthen us. But as in all things, there is opposition and negativity abound. And I am speaking in a non-religious aspects as well.  I know many people that are not religious, that regularly take a break from social networks and media to regroup and get away from the hate and hurt that often permeate the digital realm. I think it’s a good idea, and part of being media literate, to step back and evaluate the media usage that benefits us and the things that harm us.